Personal Apocalypse of the Psyche

[Entheogenic Scientist]

The following is from wikipedia’s biography of Bucky Fuller

In 1927 at the age of 32, bankrupt and jobless, living in inferior housing in Chicago, Illinois, his young daughter Alexandra died of the complications of polio and spinal meningitis. He felt responsible, and this drove him to drink and to the verge of suicide. At the last moment he decided instead to embark on "an experiment, to find what a single individual can contribute to changing the world and benefiting all humanity."

Recently I have become fascinated by the idea that personal apocalypse can be an important part of the spiritual path and that plunging into the abyss is better than spending a lifetime teetering on the edge. After committing oneself to taking the plunge then one either faces death or rebirth into another stage of being and consciousness. I personally faced just such an apocalypse of the psyche at about the same age as Buckminster Fuller experienced his. I plunged into my own hell of alcohol and prescription drugs and made a conscious decision to pursue a lifestyle of such incredible shallowness and depravity that I would surely end up dead. The idea that I would move through this stage on the path to the next level of development never even occurred to me because as far as I was concerned there was no path to follow and everything was meaningless anyway. Thankfully I survived and now, after several years I find myself more alive and conscious than I have ever felt before and see myself as having taken the first step on a long an ancient path. I am at the very beginning of this path and feel humbled by the distance that I now have to travel. However, I still feel haunted by the shit I put myself through to get to this stage. Has anyone else out there had similar experiences of reaching some sort of personal rock bottom that lead them onto their current path? I find it difficult sometimes to live with my past actions but take comfort from the following

To the creative mind there is no right or wrong. Every action is an experiment, and every experiment yields its fruit in knowledge.
From the ILLUMINATUS TRILOGY

[Damien]

The following is from wikipedia’s biography of Bucky Fuller

In 1927 at the age of 32, bankrupt and jobless, living in inferior housing in Chicago, Illinois, his young daughter Alexandra died of the complications of polio and spinal meningitis. He felt responsible, and this drove him to drink and to the verge of suicide. At the last moment he decided instead to embark on "an experiment, to find what a single individual can contribute to changing the world and benefiting all humanity."

Recently I have become fascinated by the idea that personal apocalypse can be an important part of the spiritual path and that plunging into the abyss is better than spending a lifetime teetering on the edge. After committing oneself to taking the plunge then one either faces death or rebirth into another stage of being and consciousness. I personally faced just such an apocalypse of the psyche at about the same age as Buckminster Fuller experienced his. I plunged into my own hell of alcohol and prescription drugs and made a conscious decision to pursue a lifestyle of such incredible shallowness and depravity that I would surely end up dead. The idea that I would move through this stage on the path to the next level of development never even occurred to me because as far as I was concerned there was no path to follow and everything was meaningless anyway. Thankfully I survived and now, after several years I find myself more alive and conscious than I have ever felt before and see myself as having taken the first step on a long an ancient path. I am at the very beginning of this path and feel humbled by the distance that I now have to travel. However, I still feel haunted by the shit I put myself through to get to this stage. Has anyone else out there had similar experiences of reaching some sort of personal rock bottom that lead them onto their current path? I find it difficult sometimes to live with my past actions but take comfort from the following

To the creative mind there is no right or wrong. Every action is an experiment, and every experiment yields its fruit in knowledge.
From the ILLUMINATUS TRILOGY

I've been in the midst of personal transformation since the age of thirteen. It coincided with a parental death but it really just highlighted the next 12 years of transformation and upheaval that i've come to think of as home.

Lately i've been letting go of a lot of things, my financial acumen, my ego, my sense of self, i'm more and more transparent by the day, as the world grows more hard-edged I relax into my vulnerability and openness, this isn't the most savvy path for one who is hoping to maintain bravery. But it is the line through which I currently linger. It isn't so much for me what I have "done" in my past but rather what has been "done" to me or what I haven't done to proliferate myself in the world matrix.

I keep waiting for all of this spiritual momentum to finally peak so that there can be a leveling off in the amount of information coming in. Change and time are speeding towards common demoninations, difference reared, aggression set, flux /limbo/death/and rebirth reaching a head. Dreams show images of fountains and feathers. At this point the way in which I relate to people and indeed the world itself are changing. I feel like i'm starting to attain a seniority, people are recognizing my energy, seems like they're focusing on something, or maybe something is focusing on them. The work and detachment there from are conjoined into placenta mind. I feel the extremity of moments not conquered or values not held. Peace is a foreigner at this time because my mind has overpowered my body sphere. There can be no consonance.

Expectation or the unexpectation of thrust reality moved more in themselves.

[magician]

I've also experienced what you accurately describe as a "personal apocalypse of the psyche". I learned that there is a phenomen that occurs in many people's lives called a "Christ Year", which happens approximately around age 33 (the age at which it is generally accepted Jesus Christ was crucified). From what I have read, the Christ year is a time in one's life when they experience a (for some figurative, for others literal) death and rebirth experience, which can feel like a nervous breakdown. At 32/33 I entered a phase of life which felt like an ongoing emotional catastrophe, which was brought on by the sudden dissolution of a close relationship. I began to slowly recognize what was happening to me -- a complete spiritual transformation, and although it did not necessarily make the experience easier, it did allow me be open to the process. Now (5 years later), the murkiness of those waters is becoming clearer, and as a result, I feel like I have evolved into a truer, more genuine version of myself. I'm not sure where you are at in your experience, but some things that have assisted me are: trying to stay grounded in the physical body through exercise, good diet, rest (it's a trying period), yoga, meditation, or any practice that helps quiet the mind, and accupuncture. I also participated in a beautiful ayahuasca ceremony, which was very healing for me on many levels. Good luck to you on your journey.
Blessings.