Forked Thread: inner explosion

[Isaiah Mpski]

To realize one's mortality is either the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning.

Mpski 2006


Forked from: inner explosion

Originally Posted by suebee

this happened to me about 6 months ago stoned on mj: two friends were talking about their friend who had died the day before unexpectedly. i began to imagine how it would be if they were talking about me and what the world would look like without me in it and suddenly i was in that 'place' castaneda described as the impersonal nature of the universe. nothing looked familiar and the energy of everything changed; i was an unknown to myself. my friends kept telling me to sit down as i was just pacing back and forth and i was able to act normal but i wasnt. at least i returned after about 10 minutes to whatever it was i think i am. unsettling is putting it mildly. maybe with a shaman's input i could navigate it but i dont want to feel that pure flat impersonality on my own again.

[Isaiah Mpski]

It seems to me SueBee you are on the edge of becoming psychotic.
You should definitely should be on a benzodiazapine(sic) if the occasion confronts or is worse if it happens again.


I have seen people have anxiety attacks so severe that they could have killed simply to get away from everyBODY.A psychoses that 1 mg of alprosolam(xanax) would quickly calm.

I practice as a naturopath although pretty much trained as an Allopath-you know,MDs,DOs and the like.In fact-outside of mthe usual medical school cirriculum-I have done fellowships in Pedi,Ob-Gyn-and Haematology.
That means despite my proundfound believe in the modern usage of herbal and other natural medicines-there are some excellent drugs on the pharmacy shelves.Except too many side-effects for most cancer drugs.


My big thing now is Heavy Metals and their removal from our bodies.

And you Lord CM up there in the Big Apple(or close) by-are you going to the Independent Prodducors.Their product flew high today.They'll be celebrating.
Git em drunk and talk them into the logic of a wind generator being the same thing as a producing well.We've got the place to put it if any are interested.

I'd check ot CHK's party and also APC.If you get into APC try and find out about the Aquamilpa project.I believe they put the electrical generators in the dam-would like to make some contacts etc.
Remember,we have a mile of lakefron,t150 ft above Lake Eufaula.Generally a pretty stiff breeze.

[suebee]

great, thanks for the diagnosis, doc.

[suebee]

maybe i could get my xanax from small mouth bass.....?

a thought hit me that maybe those who find it easy to squish other humans between their toes have more of a sense of the impersonal side of the universe and dont feel those humans as part of anything except as a resource to use or bury as 'needed.'

[craazyman]

been off the board for a few days, Isaiah, so missed most posts since Tuesday. Drove up to NYC on Tues. and here for first time since before X-mas, real re-entry blues, but a 0.25 does of Alprazolam when the blackbirds get too rough takes the sting off it. Not what I want to get in the habit of, but these are extraordinary circumstances.

Could not make it by the conference, have been stuck at a client in mid-town since Wednesday & probably wouldn't have had the industry background to really make sense of things there. But I am a wind-man, at least in my mind and from the perspective of some folks here, probably one in the hot air department too. I think it would be pretty neat too have your own wind tower. If the coal industry put windfarms on tops of the West Virginia and Kentucky mountains instead of levelling them, they might make more money in the long run. You can still drill for coal and not level a mountain. They could make money on the coal and the wind.

Suebee, I think you had a garden-variety pot paranoia experience. But Isaiah is right about the underlying anxiety. That is the issue. It attached itself to a very common thought that most people have and mixed with the pot and magnified it. The thought itself is trivial. Hollywood made a movie about that with Jimmy Stewart and they show it every year at Christmas, what's it called? "It's a Wonderful Life" I believe. Anxiety is a bizarre and brutal force of psyche. I will not go through my personal theories of anxiety--which are sort of Freudian with a little Otto Rank thrown in, with the biochemical changes in the brain a collateral phenomenon that link the ideal and the material. In your case, I don't think a shaman would be much help. The cultural psychic structures that you collide with are not the same that shamans face in indiginous cultures. Their sense of community is far different than ours, and their since of ego-self is too. You may benefit from a good therapist to help you process the anxiety in a constructive way. Generally speaking, I suspect that you are a garden variety case, and I don't mean that in a negative or trivial way, simply that what you are experiencing is one of the primary psychological phenomenon of our age and is deeply connected to our cultural constructs. I don't believe that you are on the verge of a psychotic break, but I suspect you are carrying a big psychic load, one that needs a lightening rod, and so your rants and fulminations here, as with many of us.

I used to smoke a considerable amount of pot in the old days and gave it up after too many experiences such as yours. It no longer worked well for me, my mind and spirit were travelling in different territory. Not better or worse, but different. In my case, I think the pot make me kind of stupid and blank-minded, althogh that could also have been the heavy drinking. But each person is different with these things and reacts differently. I had friends that smoked half an ounce a day, and maintained their brilliance.

[suebee]

i appreciate the input from both of you despite my flip responses.

the experience i experienced did not feel like paranoia. it was the total absence of the reflection of me off what ever i normally reflect off of...oh brother, ill never be able to relate this properly. it was like the things around, the familiar things around me were not the same anymore. they were bathed in a different light. their life force was not a part of me and did not touch me and i did not impact them. like the universe would let me go with no more thought of what or who i was than a puff of air. like don juan told carlos: the universe is impersonal. i felt its lack of concern and i didnt have a frame of reference for it and dont think i want to.

maybe the last 8 years of stress triggered this weird trip and maybe it was just a garden variety anxiety attack. ive never had one before. the pot for sure did not help. i dont smoke much either. this isnt the right time to say this with you guys thinking im losing it...but id like to try ayuhuasca sometime in the next few years.

i havent really lost anything; maybe traveling with death on your shoulder as an advisor which i find a useful exercise has become more meaningful?

it is a wonder-ful life indeed.

[sidecross]

To paraphrase Don Juan, he said that death is always on your left shoulder and you should treat death as an ally; death can tap you on your shoulder at any time.

[Isaiah Mpski]

SueBee your response of the 26th certainly reflected those of one who has seen American justice in action.

Last night I attended a band concert given in the small park we have here in town.My daughter Sunni is a member of the high school band.Just as it was about to start the local attorney-city judge,district attorney,general prick drove up in his new volvo.Hops out in a 500 $ wardrobe and a 20,000$ hair implant,accompanied by his wife with her new 25,000 $ plastic tits.
He slowly worked the crowd-making sure not to make eye contact with me-in his narcisstic sociopathic everybody look at me demeanour.
I had just read the local weekly paper in which all the court filings are published.This week he had filed cases against at least 20 people for hot checks most likely written on his family's bank.
I couldn't help but wonder about the 30 or 40 people rotting down in the county jail,a place that our dedicated ass-hole of a DA has put thousands of people but has probably never stuck his head in.
Why we don't put more energy into trying to make this place heaven for all and not just a few.It costs 40 bucks a day to house people and make animals out of them.I'm positive if you would just give them the 40 dollars most wouldn't have to do whatever it is that put them there.Worrying about feeding a family and paying rent with no income would make anybody desperate.

At some point our society is going to have to realize that we all need to help people instead of trying to support a rotten family run gang(or political organization)



who feel that people were put on this earth for them to rule over by hook or crook.

We're right back where we started from in the 1770's.

I'm so tired of our system that dehumanizes people so that the rich get richer and the people who ought to be in jail make all the decisions for us.

Actually I'm so down about having to take the nerves,time,energy and money to file a complaint with the court against the sociopathic prick that it deeply depresses me.I feel lost even before I start trying to work in a system that is nothing but a good ole boy network,with no conscience.

Wish some of you guys were here with me.